Inextricable

Since I've moved to Dallas God has been stretching me in terrifying ways. I came with a resolution to take a break from certain elements of writing/performing/recording music, and all that left me with was a lack of fulfillment and a sense of spiritual depression. This is a part of my DNA. This horrifyingly wonderful thing. I get to stand on a stage in front of a room full of strangers and I bare it all. Fears, frustrations, some of my biggest failures and pains, and some of my greatest victories and joys. And without that, I don't function properly. My relationships and focuses suffer when I don't indulge this creative urge... I've been wrestling with that for 2 years and it feels like I'm this close to coming up for air. My fingertips breaching the surface...

I've been writing and recording music for years now. I started in the guestroom of my childhood house with a close friend. We were obsessed with the singer/songwriters of ours and our parents time and went to every show we could afford to go to. We talked about the venues we would play one day and how important our music was...... cute. There's a cynical side of me that really wishes I could be that optimistic about my music now in my late 20's.

As a teenager, I became a fan of one of those musicians (Jeremy Casella) that I met out in a country church somewhere in the Hill Country, and later would have the great honor of getting to know him as a friend. This past fall we were able to connect over lunch and it was a hugely helpful conversation for me. We talked about the creative process, and how it wages war on the creative when misunderstood or unnecessarily feared. We talked about failures and the lesson learned. As the week went on and I had a chance to digest the conversation, a weight began to slowly fall off. I began to do more and and debate less.

Tonight we had a long discussion about the upcoming projects we're working on and he said something to me regarding the struggle to reach a place where we can write with a genuine and authentic joy, "I'm beginning to realize that the link between sorrow and joy is inextricable.". I smirked at the great way those words fell in place while we talked, but even now in the few moments after talking, those words keep washing over me with encouragement.

I prayed for the past 2 years "God, help me bring these experiences to life. Help me synthesise the past 2 years of growth, change, fear, joy, sorrow and uncertainty that me and my family and friends have been through." I was frustrated when the answer to that was more trial, but after tonights' conversation I'm seeing more and more that these past years have silenced and stretched and tempered my heart. The response to that has been, unbeknown to me, a handful of songs - gems - that I'm excited about. There are great things on the horizon.

I'm excited to share more with you guys as this unravels and want you to know that very soon I'm going to implore you to partake in this upcoming project in big ways.






"It's fading, the fix is fading fast now. There's a new direction - new horizon - and it's beautiful"

- "Fix",  David Gregory 2009
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Here's a link to Jeremy's website as well as the site of another friend who's been an encouragement and role model to me regarding the creative process and determination.

Jeremy Casella

Chris Taylor

Your Kingdom Come

There's a man in San Antonio who's been teaching post-secondary education in the field of theology and biblical studies for over 30 years. Though he's recently retired, I had the life-changing experience of studying under him a number of years back. This is and excerpt from my favorite lecture:

"What are implications of the word “eternal” as applied to the King who is also God? God’s kingship precedes creation. Being eternal, the King has no origin or conclusion. No one was there to coronate Him and no one will succeed Him. God has been king as long as He has been God and will be king as long as He will be God. A kingdom is the extension of a king’s rule. Without a kingdom a king is not truly a king. So, the kingdom is as eternal as the King. God’s kingdom has always been in force but has been expressed in various ways."

-Van G. Gill 2007 "The King and His Kingdom"

"God’s kingdom has always been in force but has been expressed in various ways." Those words have been burned into my mind for 6 years. Later that year, after laying a foundation that would challenge my own naive systematic theology, Brother Van Gill took an opportunity to sidetrack our conversation and educate me on three implications of being created in God's image...

Hang with me, this gets less wordy.

The three implications he posed were:

1. We were meant to subdue (rule over) and cultivate the earth.

2. We were meant to continue the creative process.

3. We're charged with a responsibility to recognize what we create, as "good".

That may seem simple but it blew my mind into a thousand little pieces and re-arranged it unrecognizably. As a musician and artist it validated me. My desire to create and express wasn't just me being a lazy kid who hates math. It didn't mean that I was immature and needed to buckle down and move on to more important things. In fact, that desire was placed in me by a very creative God. One Who wants us to creatively communicate His eternal kingdom to a broken world very badly in need of it. 

I moved to Dallas a year and a half ago with the resolution to take time off from a handful of things that i'd become frustrated with. Among those things were Church Leadership and Music (writing/playing it). 

What a stupid idea that was.

Sure I was burnt out, but not because of an issue with either of those things. It was only because i'd been doing them poorly. As that first year unfolded I would become very depressed. I wouldn't realize it until the year was ending, but looking back on that first year there was a very important piece of spirit that I didn't engage. I operate better when i'm creating - when i'm writing/playing music - when i'm engaged in a community that's thirsty and learning - when i'm praying with and for people in that community, and it's because it's been fused into my DNA to do so. 

In The Awakening, we've been talking a lot about how we engage in worship with God outside of 2 silly songs every Sunday morning. How do we tap into the heaviness of the spirit that settles on our shoulders when we let it, and how do we do it continuously. For me, it's wrapped up in these things I described above. For a long time, I assumed creativity and the creative process were limited to the obviously creative avenues (painting, music and the arts), but a conversation with a good friend this past Sunday reminded me of how narrow-minded that is. 

Business endeavors, arts, administration, social work, health careers, I.T.... 

It doesn't matter what your vocation is, what matters is that the thing you're irresistibly drawn and called to is an extension of a desire that God has put in you to continue the creative process in an effort to express His eternal kingdom.

So hold that thing in your mind for a moment. Close your eyes, and picture yourself doing it. That business endeavor you dream of starting - That project that you dream of beginning, let alone completing. Then, ask yourself how that could be, if it isn't already, expressing the the eternal kingdom of God to a people who've forgotten what that kingdom looks like. 

I'm not telling you to quit your job. I sell insurance, and in the midst of that God has prepared a way for me to engage in the things that impassion me. But if I can pass along one last bit of advice on the subject that was recently passed on to me... don't wait until you think you're ready, because you never will be. Be responsible, but don't wait for everything to be perfect first. Start now. Start perfecting and crafting your talents and skills to do the thing you most desire to do and recognize that as an act of worship.

Below is a link to an instrumental piece of music by Derek Webb entitled "Your Kingdom Come", i'd encourage you to give it a listen at least one time through and think over this post. 

Derek Webb - Your Kingdom Come

The Perfect Storm...

This week has been a perfect storm. The perfect combination of gray skies, bad drivers and monotonous cycles to suck the motivation out of me. 

Some of you may know that I started a new job this week selling insurance. Well, kind of. I'll be selling as soon as i'm licensed. I showed up bright eyed and eager on Monday to begin studying for the first of 2 tests and (though I got off to a slow start) I like to think that I powered through it. Second Day of studying came and went and I was 3 days further into the curriculum than I even needed to be.

...But then, today happened...

I don't know if it has to do with the greasy gray skies, the annoying peck of cold rain I can't shake off or what, but somewhere around Section 3E:part 4 of Properties and Casualties Insurance... I lost it. Any pathetic amount of motivation, focus or drive. My mind began to wander towards things that actually interest me and The Awakening came to mind. With an upcoming (this semester) series on worship and my ongoing brainstorm on how to better consistently lead this community in worship, this question crossed my mind:

What role does worship have in this place?.  I mean this very place. Right here, in the back of a freezing office burning with harsh florescent lighting (the worst).

I began to think through all the different elements of worship:

1. Giving. Is there a way I could be giving better in this scenario? Nope. 

2. Singing... Nope. Not gonna go there my 3rd day in the office (although the place has solid acoustics). 

There are many more, but I finally came to prayer. Why it took me so long, I dont know. 

Am I in any kind of constant communication with God? I mean constant, not JUST "Jesus help me get through these next two weeks.". What's God doing in my life right now? I'm honestly not sure I can answer that question and clearly as i'd like to. What's God saying to me? 

Do I pray for healing?

And i'm not even talking about the hardcore pick-up-your-matt-and-be-crippled-no-more kind of healing, but we so desperately need to be healed and delivered from insecurities the enemy throws at us, desires for things that dim light behind our eyes and our own pursuit of broken relationships, among countless other things.

How often do I let that thought interrupt my day?

That thought led to others. Thoughts that excited me about where I want to be, how I see God moving me in those directions and the vision that He's given this leadership for The Awakening. Before you know it, i was actually kind of refreshed. It was as if the clouds had parted just long enough for me to take a short but much needed walk around the block, because I let my perspective shift to things beyond the immediate, linear distractions around me. 

I wonder how often God watches and waits for us to allow these thoughts to push past all of the noise that we pretend is so important. I wonder how badly he desires us to lift our heads from out of the gray clouds and maintain a more elevated sense of awareness.

So what's God doing in your life? Unsure? Great, start a dialogue... right now. Just because He isn't always answering the specific questions we have doesn't mean he isn't speaking to us. It doesn't mean there aren't conversations to be had.

I think that this concept of a relationship and the power that we posses when we maintain a constant level of communication (prayer), is one that is sorely missing from our worship... today reminded me.

A Doxology of the Faithless

More of us than are willing to admit, can relate to the feeling. Apathy in our praise and relationship with God. But I think we forget that those lows are the same lows that fueled some of the most relatable and honest psalms in Scripture. I found myself working through that a few years ago and A Doxology of the Faithless was the product....

Allow me to geek out on you for a moment

The Common Doxology is a typically sung expression of praise to the Holy Trinity (the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit) written by Thomas Ken in the late 1600's and reads as follows. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Praise him all creatures here below

Praise him above ye heavenly hosts

Praise father son and Holy Ghost

I've always loved it, but a few years ago I found myself angered by it. By the way that it just jumps in to worship. I was going through quite a bit then, and if i'm speaking honestly, I didn't really feel like "Praising God, from whom all blessings flow". So one night i started writing. I wrote 3 new verses to Thomas Ken's Doxology, and I wrote what was honestly in my heart at the time keeping these words in mind:

"It's not wrong to question God, it's wrong to doubtfully dispute."

 - Charles Flowers. 

I'll never forget those words. I've heard the same thing so many times but never put so simply. So I don't think that it's a doubtful dispute to start a sentence to my God with "If You're there...". I think it's more of a statement made in faith. It doesn't always feel like it, but You promise You're there so"If you're there God, show your face." And, yes, i believe that we have to ask for it sometimes.

I think that God wants to hear us admit to the hunger.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Until we carve it's meaning into our hearts. 

This is a cry from a self diagnosed doubting Thomas. Yes i have faith. And when I call this a Doxology of the Faithless I think maybe i'm referring to the moment. That fearful moment when, for a second, I think that I've lost it. I fear God, or more so fear that i'll never understand His name as fully as I could.

This is a documentation of a journey that i've taken many times before back into the arms of faith. Back into the beautiful fear that keeps me chasing Him. Firstly, an admission of inconsistent faith. Secondly, a plea to be held to my convictions and passions - a plea for a life worthy of such a heavy glory. Thirdly, a resolution to abandon my fears and selfish thoughts in light of his glory. Instead of waiting for peace before I worship, I find peace in abandoning everything to worship.

I believe so strongly that your heart has to be broken by Him daily for it understand the beauty and mercy in his, and only His, ability to hold it together.

Read A Doxology of the Faithless below and click here to listen to and download the recording for free.

Doxology of the Faithless

If You're there God show Your face

Speak righteous freedom to this slave

And bind me up in heaven's chains

That I might understand your name

And when I wander strike these legs

That broken bones would find their way

And cry to heaven when I miss

To ne'er forget creations' kiss

Here in the hour of my deepest need

Abandon every tear and leave

All emotion's heavy grief

In praise find heaven's perfect peace

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Praise him all creatures here below

Praise him above ye heavenly hosts

Praise father son and Holy Ghost

Amen